New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
