I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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