there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
