Your tits are I can't wait for
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
