Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
