I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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