Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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