Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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