I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
