I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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