I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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