i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
