I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
