Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
