If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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