This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
