im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize