Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
