If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
