I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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