Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
