GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm experimenting with sincerity
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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