I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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