He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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