I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
wrigley field is MILF paradise
You smell like stripper and shame
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
