I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
