I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize