i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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