Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
