its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
