sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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