Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
