Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
