she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
