Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
