Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
