Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
