I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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