Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
