Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize