if i can run in heels then i can drive
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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