The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
