So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize