mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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