Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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