I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
