I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
