Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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