i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize