I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
