Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
