Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
