she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
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