Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
