New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize