he wants to bone in the snuggie
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
