Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
