I'm gonna have a badass scar
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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