your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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