What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
