if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
