ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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