how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
