i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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