I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
