this beer tastes like vomit already
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
