An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
