If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
