I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
